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Atari Mega Archive 1
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Atari Mega Archive - Volume 1.iso
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lit_bulb.qte
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1992-07-05
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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
#
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
#
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
#
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
#
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
#
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
#
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
#
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
#
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
#
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
#
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
#
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
#
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
#
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
#
Q: How many WASPs (Californians) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in
hot tubs.
#
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
#
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
#
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
#
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
#
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
#
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
#
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
#
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
#
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
#
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
#
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Notes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is
Four. One to change the bulb.
#
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
#
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
#
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
#
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
#
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
#
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
#
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
#
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
#
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
#
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
#
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
#
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
#
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
#
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
#
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
#
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
#
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
#
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.
#
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
#
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
#
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
#
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
#
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
#
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
#
Q: How many junkies does it take?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
#
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
#
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 t